Mari's Midnight Garden

Many people have asked how I’ve been doing. And I’m here to report that I’m doing very good, thank you very much!

My strong recommendation, though, is that she doesn’t up the dose to 30mg when I go back on the 24th. I think I’m just fine where I am. This has been great. It’s really helped me be able to sit and work on the lessons, charts, and notes I took in panic disorder therapy – and work on developing that “Teflon mind”.

The Trazadone was too strong. I’ve had to take the 50s and quarter them – much better – so I don’t wake up with “medication hangover”. I need to talk to her about all of that. But it’s true. I take my quarter, lay down an hour later, and pretty much go right to sleep. And then I rest. My god I’d forgotten what that was like. It’s been since … High school? Middle school? It’s been a long fucking time.

I’ve got a little notebook where I’ve been keeping notes on my moods, how I’ve felt, side effects when I’ve noticed them, etc, etc. I’ll take that with me when I go back on the 24th.

What’s impressed me the most? My mind is quiet. It’s totally not been this quiet since I was in high school that I can remember. Seriously. I noticed that on the first day. I was sitting here and all I could hear was the air filter on the aquarium. Everything else was so still and peaceful. And I could string two thoughts together. Incredible! My mind simply doesn’t race any more. Getting on the Prozac for that alone has been worth it to me; screw the calming effect.

And we know I’ll never be a day person by any stretch of the imagination, but I find that I do wake up and get around easier in the mornings now. Now that has been weird to adjust to. By the time I get up, take my meds, eat, shower, putter around, and then get Thomas up, I’ve read all my boards, twitter, and have probably read a chapter or two in the current book I’m reading. Or written 300 words or so. I’ve been productive.

I’ve not wanted to nap during the say. I still get draggy around 2pm. But I think that’s my natural rhythm – I’ve always been that way because waking up at 8am is hard. But I’m not so draggy that I want / need to sleep. Before all of this, when I’d send Thomas off to CLS, I’d just go into the bedroom and crash. Now I do housework / read / write. Sometimes around two, miss kitty and I’ll go lay down and read, but I don’t sleep.

Prozac has given me the energy I need to get through the day and to deal with everything. I’m happy with that and grateful. I’d have done this years ago but it just wasn’t time – I needed to find the right time and place, and I did. Finally.

Well, I’m back from the new clinic. New therapist. It went well. I had to get there half an early to fill out paperwork, but I knew what to expect there because Thomas goes to this same clinic. It’s all the usual mental and physical health information, duplicate privacy statements, clinic policies, etc. That’s all enough to wear a person out and strain the brain. I was still working on it when the therapist called me back. But it’s good to know that she tries to keep her schedule (Thomas’ therapist is often half an hour late).

So I went back, and she looked at my record, and we had our ‘getting to know you’ chat. That went well. It wasn’t as smooth and immediate a connection as I’d made with my previous therapist last October, but by the time we were finished, we were getting along well enough. She asked a lot of questions — leading, clarifying, and follow-up. I was okay with this. I know sometimes that what I say isn’t what I mean; I get mixed up. Just like in my writing, I’ll be trundling along and never realize that I’ve left stuff out.

She confirmed the ADHD, re-confirmed the panic disorder, and said, “And you’re chronically depressed.” We’re focusing on the depression before anything else. She said that’s her biggest concern right now and wants to get that under control especially since the coping techniques I learned in group are helping with the panic.

We discussed my drug allergies and all that stuff — including the trouble I’ve had with antidepressants that I’ve had before. She opted to put me on both Prozac and a sleeping pill — which of course I can’t remember the name of the sleep aid. She’s starting me out on the lowest doses possible of each and told me to take half a sleeping pill about an hour before I want to go to bed. And then after the first week, I get to up the dosage on the Prozac. I almost panicked when she said she was putting me on Prozac, but she said with all the problems I have and with all the issues with side effects I have, she said Prozac is the best thing she can give me.

That’s where I am right now. That and waiting for Kroger to call and tell me my prescriptions are ready to pick up. I looked, and the Prozac does fall into their $4 drug program; I tried to find the sleep aid on the website, too, but not knowing the name kind of held me back there.

So we’ll see where all of this takes me. I’ve got to go to the clinic I used to go to and fill out the forms for my records to be sent to the new place. I made a note to do that next week.

With the depression, panic disorder, pre-diabetes, and chronic anemia, is it any wonder I stay tired all the time?