twas the night before christmas

Twas the night before Christmas…

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty,
even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse,
dad smoking grass;
I’d just settle down
for a nice piece of ass.

Out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter.
I sprung from my chair
to see what was the matter.

When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick.
I knew in a minute,
it must be St. Nick.

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a moment,
the fucker had fell.

He stuffed all our stockings
with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart.
that son of a bitch
blew my chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed
as he rode away,
piss on you all
and have a hell of a day

[from somebody on the eku-vax bbs in 1992]


Author: Mari Adkins

Appalachian gothic fiction writer - my works reflect a love of literature flavored by the darkness and magic residing in these ancient mountains. In my spare time, I'm a Simmer, I tumbl, I journal, but I always have a very strange sense of humor. I have lived away from the mountains and lived deep in the mountains. I currently live in Central Kentucky with my lifepartner and his cat. The mountains, their culture, their superstitions, their particular magics, will always be in my blood.