i’m a pitiful blogger

Here I’ve made a strong effort to get my ass back into blogging regularly. I’ve made a strong effort to keep up with NYNY. I try to keep up with the good news and the bad news. I’ve been busy trying to bring new stuff into the apartment – inexpensive stuff to help decorate and organize. I’ve been busy trying to get this website organized (it’s a wreck!). I’ve gotten back on a regular cleaning schedule, somewhat; it’s not as perfect as I’d like for it to be, but I’m getting there.

But I keep feeling like I keep falling flat on my ass – or flat on my face (depending upon the direction of the fall, of course!). I feel like a horse clomping toward a dangling carrot. It’s gotten to the point of taking one step forward and sliding three back.

And while I’m writing this, I’m hearing my own words, words I’ve crammed down my Gwyddon students’ throats for sixteen years, come back to bite me on the ass. Why do you keep throwing roadblocks in your way? You put them there. Get rid of them. Move on. And I answer myself back, “But it’s so hard!” After that? Well, then it’s total beat my head on the table time. Wailing, “I know better!” doesn’t fix anything, either. Neither does sitting here staring at the computer like a complete idiot. I mean, I’ve not gotten to the point of having drool drain down my chin. Yet. But still…

In Gwyddonics, we have a way of breaking down problems that allows us to find the straightest path to the best solution. It involves paper and pencil. At least to start, no metaphysical knowledge required. What is is a good understanding of the situation, how you feel about it, what you can do about it on your own, and what you can do with metaphysical help for the best outcome. So, I’ve been sitting here between thoughts and between paragraphs, writing down my table and filling in the lists with the necessary information. Next, I can either sit here and stare at this and read it over and over ad nauseum, or I can get off my ass and get the work started.

I’ve got to get off my ass, anyway. The management office is holding a party of sorts in the new clubhouse, and I need to go over there and pick up mine and Preston’s access cards so we can start using the new clubhouse and the new fitness center. While I’m gone, I’m leaving the notes I wrote beneath my (unlit) St Jude candle and will get down to the real nitty-gritty when I get back home.

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nyny: about my ‘goals’

[note: this is a post i wrote longhand on december 31st and am just now getting around to typing up.]

You’ll note my goals (in this post) are kind of vague. I left them that way on purpose. Why? Because I have ADD*. Because I never know how I’m going to feel or be from one day to the next. I can’t say, “I’m going to walk three miles in the morning,” because I may not feel physically or psychologically able, or Thomas might have a clinic/hospital visit.

This is why it’s so difficult for me to schedule anything. That, and I think it’s ridiculous to say, “I’m going to walk three miles in the morning,” when I might get up and manage only half a mile. After that, should I feel guilty because i didn’t meet my goal? imho, no. Realistically, you look at your life and see what you’re capable of, and that’s what you do.

This is why I don’t won’t can’t refuse to use dated and/or timed ‘planners’. They just don’t work for me. This is why I like my plain regular notebook. I can write down what absolutely must be done today (phone calls, chores, meals, etc) with things I’d like to do today. As stuff gets done, I draw a line through it. If it doesn’t get done, I rip the page out and transfer that thing to tomorrow. Etc, etc, and so on. Lather, rinse, repeat. This is what works for me. This may not work for you, and I’m okay with that. Each of us has to find our own way in the world and work with that (and what we’re capable of, as I said before).

So that’s why I went through and listed vague steps to explain how I would like to achieve my goals. Note, I didn’t say, “How I will achieve my goals.” For me, listing how just sets me up for failure. Because life, the gods, and health, and unscheduled apocalypse may have other plans for me at any given time.

The new equipment at our new fitness center is complicated, and we actually have to go over and be shown how to use it. That’s the first step. The second step is using it. This new stuff has television screens attached (and gods know what all else – I may be able to send up signals to promote ‘Free Mars‘, for all I know), so I’m hoping that will help with the ADD boredom that always ensues when exercising with machinery. People say, “Listen to your mp3 player, Mari!” But that doesn’t work. That doesn’t give my mind or my eyes something to focus on. You have to understand true ADD/ADHD to ‘get’ this. It’s like before I started the Trazadone to get to sleep at night. I’d lay there and say, “Well. I’m bored.” And Preston would say, “Mari, just shut your eyes and go to sleep!” As if it were that simple!

Also. I forgot. The clubhouse is going to be accessible by keycards once the locks and cards arrive. We have to learn how to use those, too. I think the clubhouse is going to be ‘open’ twenty-four hours; I’m not sure yet. Also have to learn how to use the equipment in the theater room. But that shouldn’t be difficult. Sixty inch flat screen tv with a 3d Blu-Ray player and three rows of stadium seating (seats either twenty or twenty-five). The business center has three touch-screen iMacs; I get to learn how to use those, too! Sometimes I go over there when I need to print something – and I’m nice; I try to at least take my own paper and print double sided when I’m able. I’ve not use a Mac since 1992. Twenty years almost! (excuse me while I step over there and feel old for a moment)

But once I figure everything out, I’d like to host a weekly or a bi-monthly writ-in at the clubhouse. November spoiled me for getting out of the apartment and for having writing buddies! I miss that so much (which means my agoraphobia is definitely better!). Even without writing buddies, I plan to use the clubhouse for ‘leaving the apartment to write’ purposes. Mommy called this ‘a change of four walls’. I also want to walk down to the Tates Creek Library now and then when the weather is cooperative and my health will allow it. Four more different walls!

Getting back on a regular cleaning schedule shouldn’t be that difficult. If I can get the laundry done Wednesday mornings, I can go home and clean something once I’m finished. I did a big clean yesterday [December 30th], but I’m not always able to clean the apartment all in one chunk like that. Thanks to my blood pressure, migraines, and my back, I have days when I just can’t bend or lift my feet. Trust me, if your blood pressure is running high, the last thing you want to do is bend over and, at the least, get dizzy, or, at the worst, trigger a migraine. Remember what I said about being realistic about knowing and working with what you’re capable of?

Doing more organization around the apartment is going to take some time. I have to figure out what works best where and in what container. I have to figure out what I need to keep and what I need to throw out donate give away. And I have to figure out what containers I need to store it all in. The pinboards at Pinterest have really helped with this by giving me some terrific storage and re-use ideas. What I need are my reusable shopping bags, a dust rag, and time to go through all of my dvds and all of my books. Then, I need a lift to Half-Price Books to unload it all.

This and in my writing are where my creativity goals also apply. Creativity doesn’t have to apply only to ‘arts’. People, including me, need to get back in touch with their imaginations and start applying those ideas again – seems like we called this ‘creative thinking’ in school. I have found so many do it yourself and how to blogs out there that it’s ridiculous; and they all have so many great ideas, but it’s impossible to follow all of them. It’s no use collecting ideas if they aren’t ever implemented. And that’s the whole point of this NYNY thing. Action. (‘more doing’, just like those commercials tell you!)

And as I write this, I realize I didn’t put anything in my goals about my faith. And I should be ashamed because one of the first things I learned as a Gwyddon (also twenty years ago!) was ‘action’ instead of ‘re-action’. So easy to say. So difficult to do! One of my students sent me a paper Thursday [December 29th] titled What I Have Learned as a Gwyddon. As a teacher, it probably wouldn’t hurt me to write something similar. There are three of us in the college now, only three active members. And right now, one of those members is without Internet access, and it’s driving us all batty. See, we’re not one of those groups who insist on everyone living in the same neighborhood and getting together face-to-face every weekend. My current students? One is in Texas, the other in British Columbia. But I’m not discussing me here, am I?

:cough:

Ganesha cropped up in conversation not long ago. Now he seems to be everywhere – or maybe I’m just looking harder. I’m not surprised, though, since I already have rapport with Kali (and have had since 1998). Also, it finally occurred to my addled ADD brain (we won’t discuss how many years, okay?) that all the cranes (Gwyddon, duh!) and herons have been Manawydan fab Llŷr‘s way of trying to get my attention – and here I’ve always looked at these as omens, and I know better!

But all of this seems to be pushing me toward some kind of direction, is my point. And I’ll eventually get there. It just may take me a bit longer than everyone else, but that’s okay, too!

* it’s not adult-onset ADD; there’s no such thing. it’s like chemical depression. it’s either something you’re born with or you don’t have it.

why ‘what i want to be’ is psychologically damaging

This is the comment I left with that pin @ Pinterest:

There’s one problem I see with stuff like that. And that is we’re not all meant to be anorexically model thin. It’s not in our genes to be that small. Our genes predetermine what we’re supposed to look like, how we’re supposed to be shaped. If we struggle against that, then we’re going to be fighting a losing battle for the rest of our lives. This isn’t something someone taught me; this is something I figured out on my own over the last year. And I’m glad I did. I may be a “big girl”, but I got a clean bill of health from my doctor last week, and I’m healthier now – physically and mentally – than I have been in my entire life. This, folks, is what’s important.

nyny: two posts in one

I’m trying to catch up, so I’m plunking down two posts with this one.

Week One – Making Way

Clean House (declutter, clean, and cleanse your living space)

This is easy enough.

It’s something I’ve been working on for a time now, which if you read my blog and follow my tweets you know already.

One thing I’d dearly love to do is get rid of more stuff, mostly in the book and dvd area, but I’m sure there are other things Preston and I both can get rid of if we took a strong eye to the apartment. I’ve been following a lot of household tips and tricks pinboards at Pinterest for a few months now. It’s given me access to a lot of organizing tricks I never would have thought of on my own. Preston keeps saying that I’ve reached that Old Lady phase of dumping things into baskets all over the house. I realized about this time last year, maybe before, that I had a small basket on my kitchen sink where I keep the hand soap and dish washing detergent. Just like Mommy did. I even have bins and baskets in the refrigerator. Watch out – the freezer just might be next!

As for the cleansing, I have that covered. I’m a housekeeping weirdo. I like to toss metaphysical cleansing into my regular housekeeping routine. It’s what works for me. Also, I find that I don’t have to do a “let’s break the whole apartment down and cleanse the fuck out of it” anywhere near as often when I clean/cleanse this way.

Time (“Is your time being well spent?”)

In early October, I went out and got a special notebook – not a day planner or anything like that, just a notebook – that I can keep on the table beside the computer to jot things down on as they come to mind and keep track of things I need to do. This has helped me quite a bit. Much better than an out-of-sight tasklist (such as in Outlook or on OneNote).

Also, I’m trying to keep better track of how much time I actually spend online as opposed to everything else in life. It boils down to spending more time online not doing shit instead of doing everything else. That’s one thing I’ve got to stop – and it helps to press that little blue-lighted wi-fi button now and then; I’ve just got to start doing that more. If I could wean myself from Twitter, that would be amazing all by itself.

I’ve been reading at ADDitude Magazine and following their twitter, and that’s helped a lot (with organization and time management, and with other ADD/ADHD stuff).

I’m horrific at scheduling. But I’m working on this!

Now if someone would invent a pill, or something, that would help one remember what he got up and went into the next room for …

Rocks (take a look at your baggage and do a few things to address it)

Gods. I have enough baggage to open a luggage store. I’d make a mint! I have no idea where to start on this one. But I’ll make a note of it and come back to it.

Week Two – Goals

What do you want to accomplish in 2012 (using both magical and mundane means)?

physical health
– get to my doctors’ appointments
– find a migraine medication that works
– get to the fitness center once it reopens
– learn how to use the new equipment at the fitness center!
– take more walks
– ride my bicycle more
– watch portions
– fix healthier meals

mental health
– get to my therapy appointments
– declutter and organize the apartment better
– learn more about ADD/ADHD and how to help myself better
– relearn how to take time off
– keep better track of my medications

writing/creating
– create a better writing environment
write more, damn it!
– keep better notes
– type up that edited manuscript already

apartment/home
– continue with the organization
– continue with the decluttering
– get back on a regular cleaning schedule
– get back to cleaning something at least once a day
– clean the counters and sweep the floors every night
– unload the dishwasher!

new year, new you

So I read about this via MG Ellington and thought I’d give it a whirl:

The New Year, New You Project is an experiment in Magical Radical Transformation. Please see here for how to participate!”

Here is what you’ll do. You’ll write prompts. You’ll explore. You’ll fall down. Sometimes you’ll lay there awhile, finding things under rocks that you never wanted to know. They’ll pull you back, using yarn, glue, cajoling and stern words. You’ll keep sewing yourself into who you’ll want to be and you’ll tell them, sometimes too much, because that’s your way and what’s needed. You’ll find how far you can really fly when you’ve made wings to carry you and be breathless from your accomplishments. Besides your words, you’ll give something made from your hands.

I don’t do ‘resolutions’ as a rule – I think they’re just a system for setting yourself up to fail. But this looks like a good project, and there’s no better time like the present.

I like this part:

You can’t start putting all this awesome new crap into your life and body until you get rid of the old crap. Old crap here is defined as many things such as relationships that are no longer working, old crutches, clutter of the mind and of the house.

and

Just because someone hands you a big rock doesn’t mean you have to carry it. We all have baggage to deal with (such as forgiveness issues and toxicity). What’s weighing you down? Light a candle to your deity(ies) of choice and really do some journaling about it. Explore the issue(s) with a very close friend. Do your best to let go of it, even if you do need to sometimes need to occasionally revisit it.